"Family Dynamics Can Be Complicated"
For some reason, I often upset one of my adult children. Sometimes, he explodes with accusations that I favored his brothers and sisters and "never had time" for him. I’ve wracked my brain to figure out where the anger and hostility are coming from. Some encounters reveal that he carries a grudge for an angry outburst I made when he was 10, that he thinks decisions his dad and I made about his education were wrong, that I "didn’t understand" him and made him "feel worthless."
His accusations leave me stunned, because this particular child was the one whose company I enjoyed the most. Sometimes my stomach muscles ached from laughing so much when I was around him. His antics delighted me when he was a child. When he turned into a teenager, the antics weren’t quite as delightful, but I always knew his heart was good. Teachers often called me in tears because they "would have to give him an F" if he didn’t "turn in several back assignments."
Although he forgot homework and doodled through tests, he gathered friends around him like bees on a pot of honey. And he often "Aced" tests, especially essay tests, because of his gift of gab.
I worried that I might have some how short changed him, that maybe there was a lack in me that I didn’t realize. Then I had one of those "aha" moments that come to parents. I realized, once again, that the past is totally out of my control. Thoughtless, angry words did sometimes escape my lips; at times, I may have failed to notice a needy little boy, and maybe I went back to sleep instead of pinching myself to stay awake and listen to him. But I never, even once, failed to love my son or want his happiness.
Not only is the past out of my control, my son’s reactions are beyond anything I can influence, too. I can’t change him, all I can do is love him and hope he finally accepts the fact that his dad and I have done our best, and continue to do our best in our relationships with him and the rest of our children. And I really hope that he figures out that his choosing to hang onto perceived slights from his childhood and to be offended over and over again as an adult are major blocks to his maturity and happiness.
Family dynamics are wonderful, bemusing, and sometimes painful. Each member of a family has the responsibility for his or her own emotions. I’m sharing this experience with you, because I want you to know that everybody faces challenges with their children—and those challenges will continue your whole life long!

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