“Motivating Children”

The other day, I watched a group of middle school boys walk past my office. Two of them took turns trying to trip each other; one wandered along, texting rapidly and was nearly hit by a car that had to swerve around him. Two others swung their back packs in tandem at three girls walking ahead of them. The girls didn’t seem impressed and changed directions, turning the corner and picking up their pace.

As I watched, I recalled the many conversations I’ve had with parents of 11, 12, and 13 year old boys and girls. These kids are in a “changing brain” stage of life.  Their ability to understand consequences and resist impulsive behavior is very low in what I call the “melted brain stage” which is a bit silly but accurate.  

Your job, as their parents, is to help them understand that they need to think a bit before reacting to situations–and that you, their parents, are the ones responsible for helping them grow into successful, happy men and women.

Anger, violence (in words and actions), frustration, fear, and other negative emotions cause brains to secrete “cortisol” a hormone that is responsible for the “fight or flight” feeling we get when we’re upset or stressed.  A little of this hormone helps us accomplish things, but too much of it shuts down emotions and stops learning.

In contrast, serotonin, is a hormone that calms us and makes us feel happy.  Gentle voices, kind actions, hugs, and other positive behaviors bring on serotonin.  Happy, productive people have these chemicals balanced in their brains.  Too much serotonin can have a sedating effect, however, so the goal is to keep things in balance with a bit more serotonin when life gets stressful.

Also, remember that computer games, videos, personal dvd players, and even cell phones are isolating and can be damaging to growing, changing brains.  They help kids disassociate with their surroundings (yes, even cell phones) and can cause learning disabilities.  Kids need to engage all their senses during their waking hours–not just their visual and auditory senses.  They need whole body activities (like sports–but too many sports can interfere with family life and socialization) and lots of connection and interaction with their parents and siblings.

I think that resetting priorities will help families function more effectively.  This busy, technically saturated society stresses out grown ups and kids alike.     

I tell parents in my workshops and speaking activities about five ways to deal with their tweens and teens:

1. Don’t take behaviors personally.

2. Stay calm.

3. Be consistent.

4. Set clear boundaries.

5. Establish appropriate consequences when boundaries are violated.

The fifth guideline means that you must figure out what motivates your child before boundaries are violated. When both you and your child are in a relatively good mood, discuss what he thinks is important, what would help him stay in control of himself.

Let’s share ideas–send them to my emailheavenhelpusbeourbest@gmail.com.