All of us want our children to be happy, to live full, rewarding lives. And all of us worry about whether or not we’re really giving our children what they need. I want to reassure you that your concerns mean that you are on the right track.
The best source for helping your child be happy is your religion. I recommend that you join an established religion and actively participate, because having things written down will help you when things get tough. Raising kids isn’t for the faint of heart; children tax your sensibilities, your heart and your pocket book. If you have a church support system, everything will be much easier than if you try to “go it alone.”
Most creeds discuss delaying gratification and controlling appetites and passions. Only by submitting the “natural man” to the greater moral good can humanity become the best it can be. Images in religious writings talk about the malleability of a child’s personality and the resistance to teaching that comes with adulthood. When clay is wet and “new,” it is easily worked; once it dries, its shape cannot be changed unless it is crushed and moisturized (hence the reality of what Christ’s Atonement means).
While your children are young, you can help them learn kindness, loving service to others, and all the qualities of greatness. But you can only teach what you know and practice, as in the adage, “What you are rings so loudly in my ears, I cannot hear what you say.”
When I first began writing about parenting many years ago, I tried very hard to eliminate any reference to “religion” or values or any of the controversial buzz words. That happened because most editors in the mainstream press scoffed at and refused to buy my “preachy” material. Because I had many children and had studied child psychology for years as part of my two college degrees, people asked me for advice. I tried to make sure the advice was as “objective” as possible.
When people asked me what my “secret” was, it dawned on me that Gary’s and my commitment to our religion and teaching our values to our children were the main reasons our family functioned as well as it did, which certainly wasn’t perfect. I looked around and noticed, too, that we weren’t unique in raising morally centered children.
One of my best friends in Alaska, a devout Baptist, ran the preschool my kids attended where she reinforced everything I and the other parents tried to teach. Her three grown children are a credit to her efforts. Christians don’t have a monopoly on successful families, either; some of the best kids in our Alaskan neighborhood were Sikhs (I’m not sure I’ve spelled that correctly!) who worshiped very differently from the rest of us.
In addition to adhering to the principles taught by our religion, Gary and I presented a united front in dealing with our kids. If we had any disagreements about how one or the other of us handled a problem, we discussed it behind closed doors. Children will divide and conquer if they possibly can, but their ability to set one parent against the other will make them almost as unhappy as not being give clear parameters or having every want satisfied.
Do your best to follow the precepts of your particular moral code, and forgive yourself if you mess up. Try to find the humor in the most dismal situations, because crying will give you a headache. A bit of laughter will clear the fog and help you find solutions.
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