Communication Skills Bolster Relationships

         Sometimes we think “he/she should know ... whatever....” but such a thought is absurd.  Why do we expect people, especially those we love, to be mind readers?

         I’ve often seen people be grim-lipped and angry because a child or spouse didn’t “do” what was expected.  But further investigation revealed that, for example, Mom just assumed Daughter would finish dishes left by Brother who dashed off to football practice.  Frankly, I don’t know too many 14 year old girls who’ll, as a matter of course, do somebody elses chores.  Mom should have asked Daughter.

         Or consider a friend’s husband forgot her birthday and she was hurt and angry for weeks afterward, even when he apologized.  I think she should have acted more like another friend who always says something like, “My goodness, another birthday has almost crept up on me” every day the week before every birthday.

         When I say we should let our loved ones in on our thoughts, I also mean that we must recognize how hurtful the “silent treatment” can be.  When somebody gives us the silent treatment, we feel frustration and anger.  The “silent treatment” puts us in the position of not mattering, being non-existent.  Few people can stand being ignored, especially children–“acting out” results from a need to matter.  Even if the attention is negative, at least it’s something.  Isolation and ostracizing are powerful punishments for this reason.

         I think we fail to communicate our feelings for two reasons: (1) we assume those closest to us know us well enough not to have to be told, or (2) we’re afraid that speaking up will make matters worse.

         As I’ve already explained, human beings are not mind readers.  Although some people are more intuitive than others, most of us are a bit dense.

         But the second reason for not speaking up, being afraid you’ll make matters worse, is almost always a false fear.  Unless you’re in an abusive relationship, speaking up is the best course, as long as you speak calmly and politely.  You certainly will make things worse if you shout or act angrily.  If you’re in an abusive relationship, you need a lot more help than a blogger can give you.  Run, don’t walk, to the nearest therapist or shelter.

         Otherwise, get a grip and stop thinking that if he or she really loved you, they’d ... whatever.  Forgive your child, spouse, friend, for being oblivious and resolve to communicate more clearly.  You have nothing to lose but sadness and disappointment!

- Corrie Lynne Player