A Calm, Sense of Humor Really Helps Parents of Teens

I’ve mentioned before that all adolescents suffer from a condition that I’ve dubbed, “Melted Brains.”  This fact should comfort all you bewildered parents out there.  Your daughter who sneaks out her window in the middle of the night or son who has “no clue” why he was suspended are not consciously defying you, they’re operating on emotion.  Kids do grow up and they do get their brains back, but life can be stressful until they do. 

A reader told me that her son blithely climbed a cliff while out with a bunch of friends; they egged each other on to higher and higher perches.  This straight A student finally found himself stuck about 50 feet above the others, on an overhang without any clear way to get back down. Another kid I know well took his skate board down the middle of a fairly busy highway and was astonished when he was ticketed.

My teacher sister told me the other day about one of her  middle school students who decided, during a break, to see if he could fit into his locker; he managed to get in, then closed the door on himself and couldn’t get back out.

OK, so your teen has climbed out his window... again.  And you’ve grounded him, yelled at him, and the family is in an uproar.

I have some advice, first, calm down.  The angrier you get, the more defiant your kid will become.  Second, think of innovative consequences for the particular misbehavior; i.e. if your child tends to slip out of the house in the wee hours of the morning, conduct periodic bed checks–set your alarm if you need to.  If you find an empty bed, lock the window (I know of folks who’ve nailed the windows shut).  Then hunker down to await the culprit.

Just what you do when he/she returns will depend on whether you’re dealing with  beginning misbehavior or entrenched violations.  If you catch misdeeds early, you avoid problems later on.  Beginning transgressions are always easier to handle.  Most parents get into trouble because they think ignoring a problem will make it go away–not a chance!

When your kid walks in the door after failing to make it back through his window, you should first state the obvious, “You climbed out your window and you’re busted.”

Then pause and wait for a reaction.

If your kid says she’s sorry, accept the apology but go ahead and assign a consequence.  Also, if she acts contrite, give her some say in the consequences.  If she’s belligerent, don’t get into an argument.

A good tactic is to state the obvious then declare, “I’m too upset right now and it’s too late for me to think clearly.  We’ll talk in the morning.  I suggest you come up with a suitable punishment for this or I’ll have to.”

Remaining calm and hinting at dire consequences will disconcert your offspring and keep the advantage where it belongs–with you.  Remember that you are the parent and you have the right to set the rules.  In fact you have the obligation to set the rules.  You can’t relinquish your responsibilities or turn them over to your minor children.