“Finding Fairness and Accepting Responsibility”

My readers often ask me about what to do when kids scream, “That’s not fair!!”  I tell them that the bottom line to the "fairness" issue is that Mom and Dad are the responsible adults.  When a child doesn't understand or accept your judgment calls, try to explain, based on the age and maturity level of each child.  If the kid still doesn't agree,  fall back on, "Because I Said So" and enforce the edict.  

When all is said and done, effective homes are not true democracies.  The children should have input, but the Mom and/or Dad must make final decisions, because they have the ultimate responsibility.  And that's how it should be--that's real fairness.

Developing a Sense of Control

Although life isn’t fair, children still need to see the universe as orderly, where consequences follow actions.  That's the paradox, and because natural order coupled with an absence of fairness is difficult to understand, "It's not fair!" can become an excuse for laziness and apathy.  "Why try?  Nothing ever turns out the way I want it to, anyway...."

In order to learn to take control of their lives, children must practice making decisions and experiencing consequences.  The results of their actions give kids practice in coming to terms with the paradox of free agency and accountability.

A situation where one child must be treated differently in a family can be a learning experience for all involved.  If you have a handicapped or seriously ill child, your family has been blessed.  That child’s siblings will learn empathy and selflessness.

The Prodigal Son -- The Ultimate Paradox

When we read the story of the Prodigal Son in the Bible during family reunions time, some of the gathered children became upset,  "The bad kid got the best deal.  His dad didn't yell at him; he hugged him, and threw him a big party."

I tried to explain that the Prodigal Son had suffered to the point of starvation before he repented and came back. He didn't need to be yelled at–the natural consequences of his sins were punishment enough. But his father's love never failed him.  I said that the Righteous Son wasn't very righteous, either.  He was jealous and angry when he should have rejoiced in his brother's repentance!

I think everybody has to recognize and deal with their own failings; we have enough to handle without worrying about whether others have been "punished enough."  

Learning to solve interpersonal problems while they’re young is the best way for children to develop into adults who will solve larger problems in society.  Hold that thought into the New Year.