Reduce Your Nag Level with The Point System

I've talked about the three versions of my Point System which are addressed to preschool, school age, and teenage children. I want to convince some of you to sign up as “test drivers” to try out my ideas on a larger scale than my close friends and family.  I need volunteers to conduct research for my next book, The Point System–Raising Kids Without Losing Your Mind.  This week I’d like top pull things together summarize what you need to do to be successful.
SUMMARY for Test Drivers:
(1) Have a family night to discuss the System and how you are going to implement it.  Let the kids give you input on what they like to do and what they don’t like to do. But don’t give them veto power–you are the authority.
(2) Stress that the purposes of the System are to improve the spirit in your home and teach your children how to be productive, happy adults.  ALSO STRESS THAT YOU, AS THE ADULT HAVE THE FINAL SAY IN AWARDING POINTS.
(3) Change the charts to reflect your family’s preferences.
(4) Post the charts on the refrigerator or other central place where your kids can see them.
(5) Put up check lists where you want your kids to learn a particular activity; i.e. in the bathroom, near the kitchen sink, over the washing machine, etc.
(6) Set a specific time for going over the points.  Just before lunch and bedtime are appropriate for preschool kids.  Right after they get home from school and before bedtime are good for kids in school.  Once a day at bedtime works OK for most teens, although some may need more frequent reinforcement–especially if you are trying to change negative behavior.
(7) Post points regularly and tie them to rewards.  Remember, if it’s not worth earning points (i.e. you extend privileges when your kids haven’t earned “satisfactory” level points) then this system is just a bunch of numbers and will not work for you.
If you think you’d like to be part of the research team and test drive The Point System, e-mail me at heavenhelpusbeourbest@gmail.com or send a letter to me at 730 S. Cove Dr. STE B, Cedar City, UT 84720.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

The Point System will Help You Manage School Aged Kids

Last week, I described the Chocolate Chip Point System, which is useful for young or developmentally delayed children. This week I’ll talk in general terms about the version for middle childhood. Do remember that specific help is available as you apply the concepts and interact with me about your particular situation, via the internet.

MIDDLE CHILDHOOD (ages 6 - 10)

This stage of child development is wonderful. You’re not dealing with diapers, bottles, and all the messes of infancy and toddlerhood. These kids can (usually) be trusted not to put keys into light sockets, flush toys down the toilet, or grab the toaster oven. While they don’t need you to watch them every minute and can be left to explore a bit on their own, they do need you to establish and reinforce your family’s moral and ethical standards of behavior. Just because they can be counted on to wipe their own noses, doesn’t mean they can decide whether or not to go to school, eat meals with the family, or hunch over hand-held games for most of their waking hours.

As in using the Point System with younger children, you must introduce the program in  ways that catch their attention and motivate them to cooperate. You can come up with all sorts of great ideas, but not much will be accomplished if you resort to force or demands.

Once a kid has started reading and using numbers in school, he’s ready to progress beyond the more tangible chocolate chip version. He will understand the three categories: Attitude, Environmental Responsibility, and Chores. These are evaluated on the basis of: 10 Points in the following manner:

10 = Outstanding.

05 Points = OK

02 Points = You Could Do Better. 

The following description should be posted beside the charts, so the child knows just what is meant by each category: “Good Attitude” means that you smile and talk nicely.  If you don’t want something, you say, “No thank you.”  You say, “Please”, “thank you” and “you’re welcome.”  You never hit each other or do anything to deliberately annoy another person.  You try to do nice things for people.  You share and are kind.  You act as grown up and polite as you can.

“Environmental Responsibility (Picking Up) means that you put trash in the garbage can, your coat in the closet, and your books on the desk or your bed.  You put your toys and clothes away where they belong.  You are helpful and do more than your share–if you see something out of place, you take care of it.

“Chores” means that you take care of your assigned work independently, and without nagging.  You do things which need to be done.  You set the table, sweep the floor, clean trash out of the car, or finish any other chore that Mom or Dad assign.  If you do chores for somebody else, you can earn extra points.              

Next week I’ll tell you about the third version as I’ve adapted it for teenagers, plus I’ll give more advice about implementing the system.

The Point System–a Great Parenting Tool

Two weeks ago, I said I’d give you more information about The Point System, so here goes. The system has three versions designed for early childhood, middle childhood, and adolescents.  I’ll provide a brief over-view of each so you can see which one would be appropriate for your particular child–appropriateness depends on developmental level, not chronological, age. 

Remember that I’m writing a whole book on the System, so you’re not going to get much detail in a couple of columns. Concrete help will come as you apply the concepts and interact with me about your particular situation, via the internet.

EARLY CHILDHOOD (ages 3 - 6)

I call this version “The Chocolate Chip Point System” because it’s much more tangible than charts with numbers. You will need two items: (1) a small transparent container and (2) a chart with your child’s name on both. 

The container is where you put chocolate chips, sweetened cereal, stickers, etc. depending on your level of concern about tooth decay and according to your perspective about rewarding specific behaviors. You remove items as consequences for unacceptable behaviors. 

The chart allows you to record what happens with the container (which should be where it can be seen but not grabbed). Post the chart in a prominent place where the child can watch her progress. You’ll write numbers that represent each category: (1) Good Attitude, (2) Picking Up, and (3) Growing (this is another word for “chores”).  Use the chart once a day to account for what’s built up in the container. Just put the chips, cereal pieces, etc. into the child’s container or take them out, as appropriate.  Note that the child should start each day with at least 5 - 10 pieces–even if you have to award them for “smiling through breakfast” or “picking up your pajamas.”

Kids in kindergarten and first grade may be able  to transition to numbers but probably will still want the actual chocolate chips (or sweetened cereal pieces, etc.). 

Young children have very short attention spans, so you have to introduce the System in a way that engages your child’s attention and motivates him to want to participate. Say that you are going to play a game which has lots of prizes that will help her learn new things and be a happy member of the family. 

As part of your nightly ritual, you let your child count up the items and eat them (if they’re edible, obviously) or put them into a “savings” container to be turned in for major treats like going out for ice cream, special time with Mom or Dad, playing computer games, etc.

Follow up activities are essential to reinforce what you want to accomplish. Every child is unique and every family’s dynamic is different, so I urge you to ponder and pray about how you will introduce and follow up the program’s steps.

I’m giving you some parameters, but I really want to know how you adapt the ideas. You might find yourself interacting hourly, even several times an hour at the beginning.

Next week, I’ll discuss school aged children.

“The Power to Choose, the Power to Make a Difference”

My apologies to those of you who were ready to get some specific details about the first version of my Point System. I’m interrupting the series to talk about a man who has stood up for what he believes, who wants to make a difference.    

Trestin Meacham, 35, a Navy veteran, told his sister (a friend of mine) that he took an oath to defend his country, even with his life. So, three weeks ago he began a hunger strike, protesting a federal judge’s declaration that Utah’s defense of marriage act was unconstitutional. In essence, that judge negated the will of the people who passed the law by an overwhelming majority. 

Trestin chose to go on a hunger strike because he wanted to bring state’s rights to people’s attention. Over the past century, these rights have been eroding. We’re at the point where the federal government has taken over too many aspects of our lives, including our right to make choices about deeply personal things like health care, including whether or not we smoke or drink.

In the guise of “helping” us, our federal government has moved almost completely to tyranny. The National Security Administration’s spying on millions of ordinary people and the  Internal Revenue Service’s targeting of conservative organizations are two of the most recent scandals.

Free speech has pretty much been eliminated for anyone who has a view that runs counter to that held by the tyrant(s) at the highest levels of our government. Merely expressing a personal opinion or speaking out about a moral issue can destroy careers--I’m thinking of Duck Dynasty and Paula Deen’s mauling by the main stream press. 

Now, we’re being told that we cannot hold moral views. Deviant life styles, life styles that strike at the very foundation and fiber of society, are being forced on us in the guise of “fairness.”

Let’s get serious here. “Equal rights” does not mean things that are conducted behind closed doors should become the law of the land. The right to vote, hold office, and to earn a living are not the same as the right to redefine what marriage is. Marriage between a man and a woman (who must be together to perpetuate the human race) is the foundation of society. Study after study has shown that children born into and raised within a stable marriage between a man and a woman are those who become healthy, happy and productive adults.

Trestin has chosen a way to protest what’s going on that doesn’t involve rioting in the streets or destroying somebody else. He’s an adult and he sees this action as the way to let the world know how passionate he is. Watching him starve himself to death is painful to those who love him. But even worse, is their experience of the vitrol that his choice has provoked among those who disagree with him. 

I’ve been astounded by the hate mail that he’s received: 

“May the laws of human physiology speed him on his way.” 

“It’s just too bad that death by starvation takes 4-6 weeks.” 

“You narrow-minded hateful person–I hope you die slowly and painfully.” 

“You ****ing ***hole! Too bad ... it will not be repealed.” 

However, I salute Trestin for his courage to speak out in a way that was uncomfortable for him but did no physical harm to those with whom he disagreed. With his sister and mother, I’m grateful that he stopped before he sacrificed his life. I hope he will be able to lead and join with others to resist the power grab that exists at the highest levels of our federal government. I urge others to demonstrate the same courage.

“Finding Fairness and Accepting Responsibility”

My readers often ask me about what to do when kids scream, “That’s not fair!!”  I tell them that the bottom line to the "fairness" issue is that Mom and Dad are the responsible adults.  When a child doesn't understand or accept your judgment calls, try to explain, based on the age and maturity level of each child.  If the kid still doesn't agree,  fall back on, "Because I Said So" and enforce the edict.  

When all is said and done, effective homes are not true democracies.  The children should have input, but the Mom and/or Dad must make final decisions, because they have the ultimate responsibility.  And that's how it should be--that's real fairness.

Developing a Sense of Control

Although life isn’t fair, children still need to see the universe as orderly, where consequences follow actions.  That's the paradox, and because natural order coupled with an absence of fairness is difficult to understand, "It's not fair!" can become an excuse for laziness and apathy.  "Why try?  Nothing ever turns out the way I want it to, anyway...."

In order to learn to take control of their lives, children must practice making decisions and experiencing consequences.  The results of their actions give kids practice in coming to terms with the paradox of free agency and accountability.

A situation where one child must be treated differently in a family can be a learning experience for all involved.  If you have a handicapped or seriously ill child, your family has been blessed.  That child’s siblings will learn empathy and selflessness.

The Prodigal Son -- The Ultimate Paradox

When we read the story of the Prodigal Son in the Bible during family reunions time, some of the gathered children became upset,  "The bad kid got the best deal.  His dad didn't yell at him; he hugged him, and threw him a big party."

I tried to explain that the Prodigal Son had suffered to the point of starvation before he repented and came back. He didn't need to be yelled at–the natural consequences of his sins were punishment enough. But his father's love never failed him.  I said that the Righteous Son wasn't very righteous, either.  He was jealous and angry when he should have rejoiced in his brother's repentance!

I think everybody has to recognize and deal with their own failings; we have enough to handle without worrying about whether others have been "punished enough."  

Learning to solve interpersonal problems while they’re young is the best way for children to develop into adults who will solve larger problems in society.  Hold that thought into the New Year.     

“Beat the Christmas Holiday Blues”

"On a pristinely clear and beautifully bright day, I (overlooked) the Sea of Galilee and reread Luke 10:41-42.  My mind and heart heard these words: ‘[Pat, Pat, Pat], thou art careful and troubled about many things. ... But one thing [only one thing] is [truly] needful ... keep your eyes toward the sun, my Son.’ 

Suddenly I had true peace. ... The sea lying peacefully before my eyes had been tempest-tossed and dangerous, many, many times. All I needed to do was to renew my faith, and get a firm grasp on His hand, and together we could walk on the water.” (Patricia T. Holland, LDS speaker and writer)     

I first read these words a few years ago when (as usual) I was trying to do too many things as Christmas drew near. I was making 25 blankets to “hug” far away grandchildren, baking cinnamon wreaths I hadn’t been able to manage the year before, and preparing to host 20 members of my family the week between Christmas and New Years. 

I was frazzled and overwhelmed; I’d lost the essence of what the season was all about. I took a deep breath and realized that I was where I’d been a couple of decades before--spending too much money and indulging my kids too much.

We had a huge family, a huge house, and were very prosperous. My husband and I were in leadership positions for our church and all the kids attended without complaint. But I began to worry about their circle of friends who were the rich kids with too much time and too much money.

A conversation with one of my sons was a real wake up call for me. When this particular son asked for the upteenth time to go to his friend's house for a party, I said, "Why don't you invite the group over here (we had a pool, a huge yard, etc.)?”

He answered, "Oh, they don't want to come here because you guys don't allow beer."

While I was pretty sure my kids weren't drinking beer (I have a very sensitive nose and I always made them kiss me good night when they came home ), I was stunned by the comment. And I wondered just what we could do to change things.

Gary and I fasted and prayed and Heavenly Father answered our prayers by taking all the money away, period. Gary was laid off from his six figure job.

For the next 20 years, we finished raising our children without a reliable income. We were on church welfare at times, but our children learned powerful lessons about what really matters when they couldn't have everything (or even very much of what) they wanted.

There were some Christmases during those years that the only Christmas presents our kids received were such things as underwear, mittens, and coats bought on sale or from second hand stores. We all became quite creative in making gifts such as "service coupons" for each other.

I learned to just relax and reach out to my friends and family, to tell them how much I loved them as I gave them fresh baked cookies or bread (even on Church welfare, I could manage those kinds of gifts).

Most of all I learned to focus on why I celebrated Christmas–to grasp my Savior’s hand and put aside the frivolous and mundane. I hope the same for you during this wonderful season of the year.

Setting the Example for Kindness and Morality

All of us want our children to be happy, to live full, rewarding lives.  And all of us worry about whether or not we’re really giving our children what they need.  I want to reassure you that your concerns mean that you are on the right track.
The best source for helping your child be happy is your religion. I recommend that you join an established religion and actively participate, because having things written down will help you when things get tough.  Raising kids isn’t for the faint of heart; children tax your sensibilities, your heart and your pocket book.  If you have a church support system, everything will be much easier than if you try to “go it alone.”
Most creeds discuss delaying gratification and controlling appetites and passions.  Only by submitting the “natural man” to the greater moral good can humanity become the best it can be.  Images in religious writings talk about the malleability of a child’s personality and the resistance to teaching that comes with adulthood.  When clay is wet and “new,” it is easily worked; once it dries, its shape cannot be changed unless it is crushed and moisturized (hence the reality of what Christ’s Atonement means).
While your children are young, you can help them learn kindness, loving service to others, and all the qualities of greatness.  But you can only teach what you know and practice, as in the adage, “What you are rings so loudly in my ears, I cannot hear what you say.”
When I first began writing about parenting many years ago, I tried very hard to eliminate any reference to “religion” or values or any of the controversial buzz words.  That happened because most editors in the mainstream press scoffed at and refused to buy my “preachy” material.  Because I had many children and had studied child psychology for years as part of my two college degrees, people asked me for advice.  I tried to make sure the advice was as “objective” as possible.
When people  asked me what my “secret” was, it dawned on me that Gary’s and my commitment to our religion and teaching our values to our children were the main reasons our family functioned as well as it did, which certainly wasn’t perfect.  I looked around and noticed, too, that we weren’t unique in raising morally centered children.
One of my best friends in Alaska, a devout Baptist, ran the preschool my kids attended where she reinforced everything I and the other parents tried to teach.  Her three grown children are a credit to her efforts.  Christians don’t have a monopoly on successful families, either; some of the best kids in our Alaskan neighborhood were Sikhs (I’m not sure I’ve spelled that correctly!) who worshiped very differently from the rest of us.
In addition to adhering to the principles taught by our religion, Gary and I presented a united front in dealing with our kids.  If we had any disagreements about how one or the other of us handled a problem, we discussed it behind closed doors.  Children will divide and conquer if they possibly can, but their ability to set one parent against the other will make them almost as unhappy as not being give clear parameters or having every want satisfied.
Do your best to follow the precepts of your particular moral code, and forgive yourself if you mess up.  Try to find the humor in the most dismal situations, because crying will give you a headache.  A bit of laughter will clear the fog and help you find solutions.